Starship Hooters 3: Undresser
by Odon
Summary: This is for all of you who were gravely disappointed over the complete lack of breast exposure by Jolene Blalock in the latest Starship Troopers movie.


Title: Starship Hooters 3: Undresser

Author: Odon

Rated: R. Parody.

Fandom: Starship Troopers (with a few Star Trek: Enterprise references).

Summary: Trekkies all over the world waited in breathless anticipation for Jolene Blalock's appearance in the third Starship Troopers movie. Everyone knew what that meant...nude co-ed shower scenes! But we ended up seeing less skin than an Enterprise decontamination room. So this is for all of you who believe that Service Guarantees Breast Exposure.

Warning: Contains violence, sexual innuendo, and naked breasts.

Disclaimer: No profit is intended in the writing of this story. Starship Troopers and Star Trek: Enterprise are the property of someone else, so I'm just borrowing their characters.

Feedback is required for sustenance, so please email me. Archiving is welcome, but try and contact me first. My thanks to Kerensa for her beta work.

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**STARSHIP HOOTERS 3: UNDRESSER**

ANNOUNCER: "_On Roku San (key to the Federation's defence) the Mobile Infamy has introduced the latest weapon against the Bug...the spade!_"

Enter a six foot tall black man. General Dix Hauzer wears the uniform designed by Adolf Hitler, the 20th century African dictator who stormed across the Mediterranean and conquered the corrupt European democracies (* disputed by dissident historians who have now been hung for subversion).

HAUZER: "What did you call me, white boy? Colonel Rico, have this honky redneck shot!"

ANNOUNCER: "_I MEAN THE SHOVEL! THE SHOVEL!_"

HAUZER: "That's right the shovel. As you know, the latest evolution in bug weaponry is the Exlax Warrior which can bury our soldiers under a ton of sh__"

RICO: "Ah General, it's actually our propaganda department doing that."

Enter a hot French Battle Babe clutching a huge can of bug spray.

LT MANION: "I lick my buds flies in ze moaning!"

RICO: "Lieutenant, will you stop talking like that? Firstly, I can't understand a word you're saying, and second your accent gives me a raging booner!"

LT MANION (in French, eyeing Hauzer lasciviously): "Oh Great Heinlein! I bet he's hung like a peacenik protestor!"

HAUZER: "Rico, my close but strictly heterosexual war buddy, I've fallen in lust with a hot space pilot with amazing hooters!"

Enter Captain Lola Beck, who looks like a Vulcan chick with bobbed ears in a permanent state of _pon farr_.

BECK: "Johnny Rico, you hunky White Anglo-Saxon Filipino! How's it hanging?"

HAUZER: "You've...met?"

BECK: "Of course! Johnny here was a member of Rasczak's No-Guts. I got off his entire battalion in only ten seconds."

HAUZER: "Wow! That must have been one hell of a combat drop."

BECK: "Nah, I just entered the briefing room in a tight T-shirt."

Private Bugthodder staggers into the messhall clutching a handheld mini-gatling. His helmet has been personally-autographed by Holler-for-a-Marshall Anoke (the indecipherable scrawl actually says 'Insert Brain-Sucker Here' in bug-language).

BUGTHODDER: "Sir, we're being attacked by shadow puppets and cheap CGI!"

RICO: "Alright, you know what to do!"

HAUZER: "A search and secure operation assisted by armour, artillery, direct-fire support weapons and orbital bombardment?"

RICO: "No. We run around mob-handed, shooting our guns in the air!"

BUGTHODDER: "OH-RAAH!"

BECK (eyeing Bugthodder's gatling lasciviously): "My, your gun's bigger than General Hauzer's. What do the rest of your men carry, Rico?"

RICO: "The ammunition for that bastard."

BUGTHODDER: "OH-RAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGH!"

Bugthodder dies horribly as a well-hung Penis Bug blasts him with white-hot semen.

RICO: "Well General, that one's _definitely_ bigger than yours."

HAUZER: "Colonel Rico, kindly shoot yourself as well."

ANNOUNCER: "_We break Net now for some blatant metaphors for the War on Terror. Today in the Outer Colonies, 144 science-fiction fans were killed in protests against Robert Heinlein's concept of franchise earned via public service being turned into a satire on propaganda and militarism. However, support for the agitators faded when the public was informed there were no co-ed shower scenes in Heinlein's novel._"

"_Meanwhile at Terran Command, Admiral Enolo Phid has decided to raise money for the war effort by showing off her tits._"

Scene showing how the public is being manipulated, as Phid's shrivelled tits are changed via CGI into Pamela Anderson-size knockers.

"_While the Federal Detention Facility at Notguantanamo Bay has seen the greatest number of hangings since the 21st century, as General Hauzer executes everyone who's ever slept with Captain Beck._"

SENIOR EXECUTIVE EXECUTIONER: "That's 1,958,034 so far, General..."

Captain Beck strides the corridors of her spaceship _Rodger Me Senseless_. Men stand at attention at the sight of her trim pseudo-Nazi uniform and high-heeled jackboots.

Enter a Denobulan quack.

PHLOX: "Captain, it appears you exposed yourself to a pornographic spore on Roku San. I recommend twenty-four hours in a decontamination room with panoramic windows..."

Beck rips out his tongue and ties it round her waist as a belt.

Suddenly the entire ship lurches, causing the hottest crewmember present to hurl face-first into the captain's cleavage. Scorching shit-on-a-shingle explodes from the kitchen, burning alive a hapless marine.

CHIEF BRITTLES: "Captain, the warp engines have been thrown off balance by the weight of your huge knockers!"

BECK: "All hands to the Escape Testicle!"

Moments after they eject, the spaceship slams into planet OMYGOD-1, home to the Bug of Bugs, Bighugecockroach.

BIGHUGECOCKROACH: "OUCH! THAT HURT!"

Cue beautiful scenery and corny dialogue as our heroes trek across the endless sands. The desert grows hotter as Captain Beck strips down to a sweat-soaked singlet and fondles her over-sized weapon.

LITTLE HOTTY (sorry, I mean HOLLY LITTLE): "Brittles, would you consider embracing the Christian faith?"

BRITTLES: "Errr..."

HOLLY: "If you do I'll marry you, and you can have sex with me for the rest of your life."

BRITTLES: "YES! YES! EMBRACE ME OH LORD!"

In response the ground opens up and Bighugecockroach emerges, looking like a gigantic toothed vagina.

BRITTLES: "ARRGH! That's put me off sex with women forever!"

Chaos ensues. Bugs attack. Holly shoots Brittle for turning gay. Men are pierced by claws that turn them into talking zombies, vastly increasing their acting skills. Captain Beck stands akimbo, a blazing assault rifle in each hand, the combined recoil making her breasts jiggle wildly.

A widening crack in the earth points the way up Holly's skirt. A penile bug-claw erupts from between her splayed legs. Fatally wounded Warriors (obeying their instinctive urge to ensure species survival) spray bug semen across her face. Tentacles erupt from the ground and do things you only see in the more perverse forms of Japanese hentai.

BECK (channelling serious Sigourney Weaver): "Let go of her, you...bug!"

BIGHUGECOCKROACH: "YOU ARE THE KEY TO ENDING THIS ENDLESS WAR AGAINST THE HUMANS. THROUGH YOU I SHALL INSPIRE SLAVISH WORSHIP AND GRATEFUL SERVITUDE."

BECK: "How? By making the human race think that you're a god?"

BIGHUGECOCKROACH: "NO. BY SHOWING THEM YOUR TITS!"

Tentacles rip off Captain Beck's top, and millions of Trekkies bow down in worship...

THE END. 


End file.
